Pain Means It’s Something You Wanted: A Take on Reframing Grief, Divorce, and Failure

Crystal Thompson
Sep 24
3 min read

Why Pain Feels Like a Bad Netflix Sequel

Here’s the thing about pain: it’s rarely random. You don’t cry when you drop a French fry on the floor (okay, maybe if it’s the last one). But when your marriage ends, your business flops, or a career door slams shut—ouch. Why? Because pain shows up when it’s tied to something you really wanted.

Psychiatrists will tell you: pain isn’t weakness, it’s data. It’s your brain waving a neon sign that says: “Hey, this mattered to you.”

Grief: Failures in Divorce, business and Relationships

Let’s be real. Nobody walks into marriage, business partnership or a friendship thinking, “Someday I can’t wait to figure out how to avoid this person at the grocery store.” Yet here we are.

Divorce grief is its own unique storm—part identity shake-up, part financial stress, if you have kids, part “how do we co-parent without losing my mind?”

And business breakups? They sting just as deeply. A partnership bails, a deal collapses.

Friendships? Woah, they are gone, or suddenly values money over loyalty—and you’re left sitting with questions that cut to the core: “But I did everything—I gave all I had. Why wasn’t that enough?” and “How did loyalty end up one-sided?”

This kind of loss shakes your sense of self. It isn’t just about what’s gone—it’s about the betrayal of what you believed would last.

BUT

Reframing applies here, too. Pain doesn’t mean you failed—it means you wanted that (INSERT HERE: Marriage, friendship, business) to work. And even if it didn’t, you’re still capable of building something healthier moving forward.

Cognitive Reframing: The Brain’s “Remix” Button

Cognitive reframing is therapy’s remix button. You can’t change the lyrics (what happened), but you can change the beat (how you interpret it).

Instead of:

“I gave everything to this. How did it still fall apart?” (<--- Spiral usually starts here)

Try:

“It hurts because I wanted this. Since I can’t control the outcome, I can’t control their choices, but I can choose how I rebuild from here.”

This lowers your brain’s stress response, helps regulate emotion, and gives you forward motion instead of endless “what ifs.”

The Cycle of Healing (And Why Acceptance is the X-Point)

Healing usually runs in cycles—shock, anger, sadness, acceptance, rebuilding. And guess what?

Acceptance isn’t passive—it’s the turning point. THE "X' Point.

Every time I feel that lump in my throat (you know, the one you try to swallow down like cod liver oil—gross), I remind myself: “This hurts because I wanted it. But since I can’t change it, I can cry it out, release it, and pivot forward.”

That little mental shift keeps me from spiraling into self-pity and pushes me toward making new plans—whether that’s for my business, relationships, or just a better tomorrow.

Serenity, Strength, and Peace

This is where faith lives steady with the science.

Psalm 29:11 (AMP): “The Lord will give [unyielding and impenetrable] strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace.”

And of course, the classic words of Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.”

It’s not just a prayer—it’s also a psychological roadmap for reframing.

Easy Tips to Try Today:

Label the pain out loud – Say: “This hurts because I wanted it.” (Yes, you’ll feel weird. Do it anyway.)
Do a “pain swap” – Redirect that energy into a new micro-goal: Swiffer the kitchen(pair with #3), send one email, or start one new plan.
Move your body – Even a brisk walk shifts brain chemistry. Or, crank up “Jump Around” Yes, the one from the ‘90s and jump it out. (The edited version or not... your choice!)
Shrink the monster – Write down the absolute worst-case scenario. Nine times out of ten it looks way less terrifying on paper.
Talk it through – Don’t swallow the pain. Vent it to a trusted friend—or better yet, a licensed therapist.

Final Thoughts (And a Little Plug)

Here’s the truth: pain isn’t proof you’re broken—it’s proof you cared.

Cognitive reframing doesn’t erase the loss, but it rewires how you respond to it. That shift is where healing begins.

And if you’re in the thick of it—divorce grief, career burnout, or rebuilding after failure—don’t go it alone. At Precise Mind Behavioral Health, my team specialize in helping people reframe pain, regulate emotions, and build healthier futures.

So now I’ll toss it back to you: what’s one painful situation you’ve had to reframe, and how did you do it?

Drop it in the comments—because chances are, someone else could use your trick today.